Piranha 3D

Piranha 3D
Directed by: Alexandre Aja
Staring Elisabeth Shue, Christopher Lloyd, Ving Rames, Jerry O’Connell, and Richard Dryfuss

As funny as this might sound, I was dragged to this movie. However, even though I say it like that, it is because of an arrangement with my wife where if I take her to a movie that she doesn’t want to see, she takes me to one I don’t want to see. This system has worked for us, but I have several movies to make up for because of the majority of all the Harry Potter movies. So needless to say I was not overly thrilled to see this movie.

The movie itself was not that bad. It was a remake of the original movie back in the 70’s. My wife commented that they were remaking a cult classic that was actual one of the B-rated movies where the blood was mega fake and the story line was so cheesy that it was more comical than that of a horror film. This movie did capture that aspect. The only difference is thirty years later the piranhas and the blood are more realistic. The story is of course cheesy but overall I think that is what the director wanted.

The story also appeals to men…heavily appeals to men I should say. The reason for this, lots of topless and at a few times, fully naked women, women making out with each other, and of course beer…lots of it. Let’s also not forget the big wet T-shirt contest midway through the movie...and no I’m not making this up.
This happens to be the one time I’ll rate the movie two different ways. The reason for that is, it has to be rated this way so I can give you, my fellow readers a sense of what the movie and 3D experience is. Mind you this was my first actual 3D movie I had ever seen.

First the movie rating:

The movie itself centers around spring break in of all places the state of Arizona on the fictional Lake Victoria. (Thank you to my friend Dana who is from Arizona whom informed me that there is no Lake Victoria in Arizona) During spring break an underground earthquake hits the lake and unleashes a breed of piranhas that dates back to the days of the dinosaurs. These piranhas are naturally not like the ones of today, but they like to fest on the flesh of their prey. As mentioned this is happening during spring break where hundreds of college students are gathered to celebrate the drinking, bikini wearing splendor.

As the college party is going on a Girls Gone Wild Escapade is also going on where our hero of the movie has been roped into. Naturally he likes going to it. As the movie progresses the local law enforcement finds out what is going on with the “sudden deaths” and tries to evacuate the lake. Of course the college students decide to do what they want to do and chaos ensues. The movie itself ends in a twist, which allows it to easily set itself up for a sequel, hopefully not in 3D…or worse 4D (hence sequel name)

As for the movie, what graphics I could see, and the overall story I give the movie itself 3 stars out of five.

Now for the 3D rating:

This movie in my honest opinion did not need to be in 3D. The main reason for this was what few piranha attacks in the movie and the sudden things leaping out at you were very minimal. What you do see a lot of in 3D was the credits popping out of you and the women shaking their bikini clad breasts, or in some cases naked breasts as well as their wiggling butts in 3D. Honestly, do we need to have this in 3D? I mean seriously what is the point? What are next, porno films in 3D? I guess in some ways, there is a market for this thanks to James Cameron and the overwhelming success of Avatar. However, there is no need to see the proverbial “tits and ass” in 3D. If you wanted to have that kind of up close experience one should look at their wife or girlfriend. You get the same experience for free. I also don’t need to have the credits just fly out at me. I mean seriously what is the point of that. I mean how often to random words just fly out at you from out of nowhere? Honestly if I wanted to feel like I was in the movie, I would have asked to be an extra in the movie. I’m sure there’s a good need for 3D movies, however it’s not my cup of tea. After leaving the movie I was rather sick to my stomach. It wasn’t because the over abundance of blood. After all, I’ve sat though Rod Zombie movies, and if I can get through them, I can get through anything. It was the 3D experience that made me feel ill.

Sadly this movie failed in the 3D department. Therefore this movie receives 0 stars for its 3D experience. If you do see this movie, see it in regular 3D, trust me you’ll enjoy it much better.

Disclaimer

Disclaimer:

The movies that are reviewed on this blog site is my own opinions of the movies that I review. My comments are in no way associated with professional critics, the movie studios in Hollywood and around the world or the actors and film crews for the movies.
This movie review blog is also not to sway the opinion of the general public.

This is my own opinions on movies that I have seen and have decided to review.
This disclaimer is made in accordance to the FCC laws.

Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns

BLESS THE CHICKENS!!!!

I did that line for my wife. Needless to say if you watch this movie make sure you watch the credits at the end for some hilarious lines including that ones.

What can you say negative about Tyler Perry? This man has one the most successful film characters of all time and the ironic thing about it, she's not featured that much in any of her movies. I'm speaking of course of Madea, played by Tyler Perry himself.

Madea wasn't featured a lot in this movie except for maybe 10 minutes and that was to foreshadow her next movie Madea Goes to Jail. It showed her a little more, but once again Madea wasn't the focus of the movie.

So again what can I say negative about Tyler Perry? Successful? Yes. Movies that mean something? Yes. Overly preachy? No. Follows the play that he made first? No.

Hmm, two nos. Well yes the movie did not follow the play, but you know what, that didn't matter. The movie still showed traditional Tyler Perry wisdom and movies you cried, laughed, wanted to "junk punch (a friend gave me this reference)" a character and all and all want to sit and watch this movie.

The movie shows Brenda Brown (Angela Bassett) trying to survive in Chicago as a single mom with three kids. She finds out she has a family in Georgia after her father whom she never really had contact with passes away. In Georgia with her family she meets up with Mr. Brown (David Mann) and his daughter Cora (Tamela Mann) who they then take to the funeral and in a hilarious dinner scene comes out that she's related to the family.

While this is going on a basketball recruiter (Rich Fox) has not only eyes on her eldest son Michael (Lance Gross) but also on Brenda. Brenda eventually goes back to Chicago and faces more problems, but soon those problems turn all to real. Running back to her family in Georgia she tries to survive the best she can.

Through ups and downs she fights for her family and for single mom's out there this movie gives them hope that even though you're going through hell, you'll always come out on top in the end.

Hilarious moments are always with the Brown family. Also staring Jenifer Lewis, Tyler Perry, and Sofia Vergara this movie is a must watch, especially if like me you're a fan of Tyler Perry and his works.

Rating 4/5 (Some of the songs could've been better...but overall good movie)

The Final Destination

Anyone who knows me, knows I'm not the biggest fan of horror movies. Being married to my wife who is a horror movie guru has been slowly getting me to become a fan of these movies. Moreso with the Final Destination movie franchise. I never thought I would like these movies because it showed people dying in unique ways. But I got to admit, the style of it was unique and movies still are trying to duplicate this and failing miserably.

So this is not an angry movie nerd rant, but rather a praise. Which is good considering I just sat through Jennifer's Body.

This movie starts out the same way as the very first one. There is a vision of death by the main character. He prevents his friends and a few others from dying and afterwards fate tries to catch up with them and take them out.

Now instead of duplicating the first movie and ticking off the fans, they added new twists to them. The first was this movie like Final Destination 3 was filmed in 3D. Now I wish I could've seen this movie in that format to get the feel of what the directors wanted us to see, however it would have killed my eyes and possibly made me sick.

The second twist was they thought they "broke the chain" three times in the movie. I found this interesting because in the first three movies everyone knew how they were going to die. In this movie only the main character knew what was happening...but wasn't to clear on the order of things. In fact on the last time he thought he broke the chain he was experiencing deja vu. But it was so believable in the Final Destination franchise that you thought this was the way the movie would end...and we still had 30mins. left in the movie! That is how freaking awesome this movie was. It kept you guessing to the end, and even the ending (this movie I won't spoil cause it was that good) was expect the unexpected.

So in closing on this nice review, I give it five stars, and hope they make another installment. One last note, the pool scene is just as awesome in reverse as it is forward.

Jennifer's Body (2009)

Before I start off with this rant of a movie that was made in 2009 you'll notice I didn't include the movie poster like I've done with my previous movies. The reason for this is, this movie didn't deserve the screen time for which it was given. This movie was overly hyped in being Megan Fox's first lead role. Megan should have stuck to playing Shia LeBouf's girlfriend in Transformers showing her butt cleavage over the hood of a car, because this movie has to be the worse movie I've EVER seen in my life. This is counting Jeremiah Johnson, Inglorious Bastards, AND AND Superman Returns.

The only big name that was in this movie was Megan Fox, for the most part. There were other actors and actress who has bit roles in other things but Megan Fox...or Angelina Jolie Jr. was breaking out.

Okay, the movie is about a bitch teenager (Fox) and her BFF Needy Lesnicky. They go out because they're following this rock band. Well an accident happens and the bar where they were at catches fire. The lead singer played by Adam Brody takes Jennifer away and Needy finds her own way home. Needy thinks she's getting gang banged raped until Jennifer appears in her hose and looks like she was beaten and left for dead. Needy soon realizes there is something wrong when Jennifer spews this nasty black mess on her kitchen floor. For us paranormal fans, you have a demon on your hands.

Well things return to somewhat normal. Except, Jennifer is killing boys and eating their souls, while Needy is having visions of it. However, Needy thinks she's losing it until Jennifer comes into her bedroom and makes out with her..yes we see a make out scene with Megan Fox and another girl....kinda like Angelina Jolie in Gia, but we see no tits. Jennifer then tells Needy what happened after she left with the rock band. Apprently they took her to this waterfall where they tie her down and sacrifice her...get this...to get ahead in the rock business! Now not only is there a huge plot hole coming up, but as they are killing her...they are signing Tommy Tutone's 867-5309 (Jenny) There were other Jenny songs out there...I mean they could've done Jenny from the Block. At least that would've been better than this slop. Now they leave Jennifer for dead. Plot hole...where's the band...and how in the hell did Jennifer become a demon. NONE OF THIS IS EXPLAINED!

Oh I forgot to mention that at the beginning of this movie, Needy is in a mental insitution and we're doing this movies in flashbacks. Like this hasn't been done to death already.

Well wait there's more.

After Jennifer tells the story her and Needy's friendship goes south. Needy just can't accept Jennifer's new lifestyle and goes to research on demons and the occult and finds out to kill a demon you have to stab it in the heart with a knife. I'll pause while the Buffy fans scream aloud in unison.

Okay so know Jennifer really crosses the line when she seduces Needy's boyfriend away from her on prom night (cliche anyone). Needy goes to the rescue but it's too late as Jennifer has already bitten him and he's dying. They trash talk and leave, but Needy becomes snappy and goes after Jennifer attacking her in her room with a box cutter...a fucking box cutter. In other words this is what was going through the writer's mind at this point...

"We've already wrote a shitload of fuck and we already said that a knife to the heart will kill the demon. So we'll throw the entire auidence off by having Neddy kill Jennifer with a box cutter because it's sorta like a knife and we're already overbudget with this clusterfuck of a movie."

Okay maybe I'm over exaggerating. But still a box cutter, she couldn't just grab a knife somewhere? And then we have a rolling catfight in midair? Oh come on...I've seen private catfight videos with a better storyline than this.

Now if the plot wasn't bad enough this is actual dialogue from the movie...and no I'm not making this up.

Jennifer Check: I think the singer wants me.
Needy Lesnicky: Only because he thinks you're a virgin. I heard them talking.
Jennifer Check: Yeah, right. I'm not even a backdoor-virgin anymore, thanks to Roman. By the way, that *hurts*. I couldn't even go to flags the next day. I had to stay home and sit on a bag of frozen peas.

Jennifer Check: [Having been stabbed in the stomach and bleeding profusely] Got a tampon?

Needy Lesnicky: [after Colin asks Jennifer out] Colin's really nice.
Jennifer Check: He listens to maggot rock. He wears nail polish. My dick is bigger than his.

There was a line by Jennifer one telling a boy: "Oh, you're giving me such a wettie."

and talking about the length of boy's pubes!

So in the end this movie doesn't even get a rating in my book. This movie freaking sucks. It's below shit. It's beyond sucking. I would never recommend this movie to anyone anywhere....even to my worst enemies. Do not watch this movie. You would rather watch paint dry, ice melting, or someone writing their name in the snow. You'll will so get more enjoyment out of that then watching this butcehrized story come out of Hollywood.

Star Trek: The Motion Picture

Star Trek: The Motion Picture
Year of Release: 1979
Director: Robert Wise

It should be noted that I’m reviewing the extended DVD version that was released.

Star Trek; where can you possible go wrong with this movie? We’re talking about a franchise that is over 30 years old and still going on strong thanks to J.J. Abrams revival of the franchise. I have been a Trekker for the last 27 years of my life.

To clarify a Trekker watches the shows, movies, and has bought some Star Trek collectibles. A Trekkie does all this and dresses up to go to the conventions. I am a Trekker.

Since I’m going to be critiquing all the Star Trek movies, it’s best to start with the one that started them all. So now I present to you Star Trek: The Motion Picture.

When starting this blog, I had to keep in mind that this movie was made in 1979. Thus, they didn’t have the cool kickass graphics you see in today’s movies. So I can’t get all angry movie nerd on this.

However, the story line…hell to the yes I’m going to rant. Most Trekkers and Trekkies will say this is the worst movie ever made in the Star Trek series. Just ask any member of my family. In case you are wondering, what most think, most would say it’s Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn.

Anyway, this movie starts out with an anomaly that is heading towards Earth. Well it happens to be in Klingon Space at the time. If you know anything about the Kilngons, the first reaction is to kill it. The cool thing about this entire opening sequence is the Klingon battle music that later becomes the theme for Kilngons. The Kilngons quickly become vaporized by an energy bolt that flies into the ship. Now the anomaly becomes a doomsday device that is heading towards Earth.

Meanwhile, on Vulcan, Lt. Spock (Leonard Nimoy) is undergoing the Kholinor. This is the highest level of achievement a Vulcan, let alone a half-Vulcan, like Spock can achieve. This means you have decided to omit all emotions and think on pure logic (aka any politician). Or if you want the politically incorrect modernized version…he becomes a stone cold prick.

Midway through the ceremony, Spock senses the anomaly headed towards Earth. He also senses his friends are in danger. Since his emotions lie elsewhere he cannot achieve Kolinor.

Now back on Earth, Admiral James T. Kirk (William Shatner) has come to retake command of the Enterprise which was being captained by, Captain Willard Decker (Stephen Collins…from 7th Heaven). Naturally word has gotten out about the anomaly; except Decker doesn’t know that Kirk has been assigned to take over. However, with this big emergency going on, we have to see the entire ship and have some few dramas before hand as well. Since I’m ranting on the extended version, this is where the rant actually beings.

Kirk meets up with Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott (James Doohan) and they fly in a shuttlecraft to the Enterprise. Now instead of going straight to the shuttle bay, they fly all the way around the damn ship. Movie length this took exactly 5-10 minutes. I’m not joking. Every angle, every window, every light, and even the service men working on the ship were seen.

While on the ship, Kirk meets Decker and is reunited with his old crew. However, both Spock and Dr. McCoy (DeForest Kelly) are not on board the ship yet. He also meets the person at the comm. Named Lt. Ilyia (Persis Khambatta). Ilyia and Decker have had a relationship in the past, but we will focus on that later.

We have a transporter accident were the would be science officer and two other crewmates dematerialize. This explains why Kirk and Scotty flew to the Enterprise. BUT!!! Later, Dr. McCoy is beamed onto the ship!

Two things are wrong with this. The first thing is three people just died in a transporter accident. The second is anyone who knows the show, knows that Dr. McCoy hates using the transporter. “I’m not having my god damn atoms spread all over the damn galaxy,” was his famous line for why he hated it. Yet, Kirk says to Starfleet to beam him up when he hears from the clues that is Dr. McCoy. Some best friend!

Now the funny thing about all of this, you might ask yourself. They haven’t left the damn space dock yet!

So finally we get to leave the space dock and they head out. They go past all the nine planets and get ready to hit warp drive…only to generate a wormhole and (what for it) they are on a collision course with an asteroid inside the wormhole. Also during this, the panel where Lt. Chekov (Walter Koenig) is sitting short circuits and fries his hand. Lt. Ilyia, has the power to heal (No, I’m not making this up). Now to top this inane scene, they have to shoot the asteroid to get out of the wormhole….while acting in slooooooooooooow motion (again not making this up).
Before continuing on, I need to give a shout out to Kat and Dana who sent me this song at one time. This song will serve as the purpose for the rest of this movie. You can check out the link here. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y2v6rXs5J9M
Oh one thing else to mention about the wormhole. According to www.imdb.com Chekov was supposed to die in the accident. Talk about ticking off the fans there. Kill off a main character, that doesn’t happen in the Star Trek Franchise. Everyone knows you send in the no name, only been on the show for five minutes person to die.

Now the wormhole is caused by an imbalance in the engines. Guess who arrives to save the day? It’s Mr. Spock (can we say finally). By the way, it takes him two minutes to board the ship via shuttlecraft. Spock is now the first officer (though never really announced) as well as being the science officer. Decker is pretty much there to hang out.

Finally (as we breathe a sigh of a relief) we arrive at the anomaly. It tries to attack the ship but with shields at maximum power it deflects the blast. Why the Klingons didn’t figure that one out is beyond me. The shields are now gone. So it attacks again, but Spock is able to figure out it’s trying to communicate on a level that no one has used in years, communicates, and the attack just disappears. Mow they can fly into this thing. Also we’re about 45 minutes into this movie.

As they are flying through we’re treated to a beautiful score by the late Jerry Goldsmith. That’s it! We see images of the anomaly and the crew’s reactions, especially Spock’s as we slowly learn that this thing has a child’s like mind.

Midway through the score, the ship is probed by a white flashing light stick. No one can touch it and eventually it abducts Lt. Ilyia. Then we’re back to flying on and finally arrives to the heart of the anomaly. Ilyia has now come back on the ship but she has changed. She talks in a robotic voice and has a glowing yellow light on her throat. She says that the crew is in the presence of V’ger. She is serving as his eyes and ears. The crew hears this and for a brief moment they ponder this, but decide it’s best to jog Ilyia’s memory by having Decker reminder her of their relationship. Mind you we’re in an anomaly that could wipe out Earth in one shot. And we’re not even talking about the Borg here.
Ilyia gets mad and demands to see The Creator. In other words, V’ger’s creator. V’ger wants to touch the hand of God, the one who created him. With everyone scrambling around for answers and V’ger is minutes from Earth; Spock takes the initiative to dive deeper into V’ger. As he does this, he’s recording what he sees and runs into this gigantic image of Lt. Ilyia. So he tries to mind meld with Ilyia to figure out what is going on. The result is image overload and he’s hurled back to the Enterprise. Kirk catches him in his arms as he figures out what Spock was up to and was trying to see if he could catch him. Back on the ship Spock confirms what he saw while crying.

Kirk is now ticked off and demands that Ilyia takes him to V’ger. He even threatens to blow up the ship. Ilyia says that V’ger wants to see him now and asks to take V’ger to The Creator. OF course since we’re making this up as we go along, Kirk agrees. The ship suddenly stops and outside the ship there is air….we’re in deep space and there’s air! They walk off the ship. Literally, you see Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Decker, and Ilyia walk off the saucer section of the ship. They walk up to this alter like area and see V’ger. He looks just like an old NASA probe. Well, that’s because he is. While brushing off some dust….yes dust…Decker reveals that V’ger is the space probe Voyager! The same probe NASA sent up years ago to see if there was life past our solar system. The one that is still transmitting today. Apparently V’ger has obtained enough information that he has become a sentient being. My question is did he run into the Soong family (they created Data).

Well now we met V’ger, we’re orbiting Earth, and V’ger is threatening to destroy Earth if he doesn’t touch the Creator. Decker says he’s The Creator. V’ger hears this and deliberately short circuits himself. Because, V’ger wants Decker to “touch” him. In other words, fix him and tell him his mission is complete. Kirk and Spock are confused and it’s McCoy that sees the wisdom in this and says what greater joy than to touch the hand of God. Ilyia warms them they have to get back on the ship because V’ger will just disappear when this task is complete. Of course they have to stick around to watch Decker fix the wires and see him and Ilyia both glow. Once they see the glow they literally haul ass back to the ship. Once they are on the ship, V’ger disappears and the crisis is over. Ten minutes of logs, explanations this movie is over and we roll the credits.
I still to this day watch this movie, especially if I’m on a Star Trek kick, but I’m still left with the same question every time. How in the blue hell did this movie make any sense? Can someone explain this to me? I thought I was a Star Trek nerd, but man this movie has me beat. It’s like the Star Trek: Next Generation episode Cause and Effect. The one episode I still cannot figure out to this day.
Stay tuned for Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn

*Revision: Chekov's hand wasn't hurt during the wormhole. This came later at the Enterprise was at the anomaly. I apologize for the error.

Titanic

Titanic: James Cameron (1997)

I’ve often said for years, that I have hated this movie with a passion. It is still to this day on my list of movies to where I would rather be shot out of a cannon blindfolded than watch this movie. However, it’s not as bad as what I’m making it out to be.

I’m not a huge Leonardo DiCaprio fan, yet I still went to see this movie. I was in high school when this movie came out and the biggest sell was that Kate Winslet was topless in the movie. So naturally, like most guys we went to see the flesh.

What I got was a three hour movie that left me going, “What in the hell was I thinking going to see this movie?”

So where did this movie go wrong? The obvious is that it took three hours to sink the damn ship. THREE HOURS! If you’re doing anything in three hours you better be using the force or have a ring.

Okay so the movie itself was not bad. The scenery was good. The special effects was something that truly spoke James Cameron. The story…well that is why I hate the movie actually. James Cameron was obviously wanting to a “chick flick” with this movie. True love in the middle of disaster. Well had the ladies roped in! Well then you have guys because you have the disaster. You even had the kid factor because the movie was based on a major historical disaster.

The main big problem with movie is I absolutely hate movies where there is no real happy ending. Naturally there are movies that don’t fall into that category. Schindler’s List, Terminator 2, The Boy in the Stripped Pajamas all fall into this category. Those movies though you somewhat expect the ending to be sad and have those boxes of tissues. However, with Titantic, you didn’t have that expectation. When I saw this movie, I knew at the beginning Rose was alone. The story line that would have made sense to me would be that Jack and Rose made it despite the cold water and lived a long and happy married life. Jack died a few years before and thus Rose is now alone. That would have been the happy ending. Instead, what happens? We get Leo dying.

I can remember when Leo died in the movie I pointed at the screen and laughed. It wasn’t for the fact he died and all the ladies in the room were crying. I laughed because I couldn’t believe the stupidity of this movie ending.

Like I said though the movie had it’s good points. The musicians playing together one last time, the guy hitting the propeller of the boat when he falls off, classic one liners, and the romantic scenes of Jack and Rose. It was just the ending that was terrible.

Rating for this movie: 2 stars