Jennifer's Body (2009)

Before I start off with this rant of a movie that was made in 2009 you'll notice I didn't include the movie poster like I've done with my previous movies. The reason for this is, this movie didn't deserve the screen time for which it was given. This movie was overly hyped in being Megan Fox's first lead role. Megan should have stuck to playing Shia LeBouf's girlfriend in Transformers showing her butt cleavage over the hood of a car, because this movie has to be the worse movie I've EVER seen in my life. This is counting Jeremiah Johnson, Inglorious Bastards, AND AND Superman Returns.

The only big name that was in this movie was Megan Fox, for the most part. There were other actors and actress who has bit roles in other things but Megan Fox...or Angelina Jolie Jr. was breaking out.

Okay, the movie is about a bitch teenager (Fox) and her BFF Needy Lesnicky. They go out because they're following this rock band. Well an accident happens and the bar where they were at catches fire. The lead singer played by Adam Brody takes Jennifer away and Needy finds her own way home. Needy thinks she's getting gang banged raped until Jennifer appears in her hose and looks like she was beaten and left for dead. Needy soon realizes there is something wrong when Jennifer spews this nasty black mess on her kitchen floor. For us paranormal fans, you have a demon on your hands.

Well things return to somewhat normal. Except, Jennifer is killing boys and eating their souls, while Needy is having visions of it. However, Needy thinks she's losing it until Jennifer comes into her bedroom and makes out with her..yes we see a make out scene with Megan Fox and another girl....kinda like Angelina Jolie in Gia, but we see no tits. Jennifer then tells Needy what happened after she left with the rock band. Apprently they took her to this waterfall where they tie her down and sacrifice her...get this...to get ahead in the rock business! Now not only is there a huge plot hole coming up, but as they are killing her...they are signing Tommy Tutone's 867-5309 (Jenny) There were other Jenny songs out there...I mean they could've done Jenny from the Block. At least that would've been better than this slop. Now they leave Jennifer for dead. Plot hole...where's the band...and how in the hell did Jennifer become a demon. NONE OF THIS IS EXPLAINED!

Oh I forgot to mention that at the beginning of this movie, Needy is in a mental insitution and we're doing this movies in flashbacks. Like this hasn't been done to death already.

Well wait there's more.

After Jennifer tells the story her and Needy's friendship goes south. Needy just can't accept Jennifer's new lifestyle and goes to research on demons and the occult and finds out to kill a demon you have to stab it in the heart with a knife. I'll pause while the Buffy fans scream aloud in unison.

Okay so know Jennifer really crosses the line when she seduces Needy's boyfriend away from her on prom night (cliche anyone). Needy goes to the rescue but it's too late as Jennifer has already bitten him and he's dying. They trash talk and leave, but Needy becomes snappy and goes after Jennifer attacking her in her room with a box cutter...a fucking box cutter. In other words this is what was going through the writer's mind at this point...

"We've already wrote a shitload of fuck and we already said that a knife to the heart will kill the demon. So we'll throw the entire auidence off by having Neddy kill Jennifer with a box cutter because it's sorta like a knife and we're already overbudget with this clusterfuck of a movie."

Okay maybe I'm over exaggerating. But still a box cutter, she couldn't just grab a knife somewhere? And then we have a rolling catfight in midair? Oh come on...I've seen private catfight videos with a better storyline than this.

Now if the plot wasn't bad enough this is actual dialogue from the movie...and no I'm not making this up.

Jennifer Check: I think the singer wants me.
Needy Lesnicky: Only because he thinks you're a virgin. I heard them talking.
Jennifer Check: Yeah, right. I'm not even a backdoor-virgin anymore, thanks to Roman. By the way, that *hurts*. I couldn't even go to flags the next day. I had to stay home and sit on a bag of frozen peas.

Jennifer Check: [Having been stabbed in the stomach and bleeding profusely] Got a tampon?

Needy Lesnicky: [after Colin asks Jennifer out] Colin's really nice.
Jennifer Check: He listens to maggot rock. He wears nail polish. My dick is bigger than his.

There was a line by Jennifer one telling a boy: "Oh, you're giving me such a wettie."

and talking about the length of boy's pubes!

So in the end this movie doesn't even get a rating in my book. This movie freaking sucks. It's below shit. It's beyond sucking. I would never recommend this movie to anyone anywhere....even to my worst enemies. Do not watch this movie. You would rather watch paint dry, ice melting, or someone writing their name in the snow. You'll will so get more enjoyment out of that then watching this butcehrized story come out of Hollywood.